I’m completely aware that posting 2 blog post in a day is quite annoying, but this is a moment I must document. I have been in church since the day I was born. I went to Sunday School, Vacation Bible School, and any and everything we could go to. I loved it, I loved my friends, and I love learning about Jesus. Soon, that desire to learn transformed into a desire to love. I changed churches and I suddenly became enthralled with God. I wanted nothing more than to be everything I could for Him. I was held in esteem at the church. I sang in the praise band( all three of them), I was at youth every morning, and I was the Queen of Sunday school. I was everything a church girl should be. As I went into my senior year, it all changed. My anxiety overtook what was my life. People no longer looked at me the same way. I was so burnt out from all the activities, so I pulled away some. Suddenly, I was not the girl they used to see. But I soon, realized that girl wasn’t real. That girl was dependent on people to tell me how much I loved Jesus rather than being the girl who depended on myself to love Jesus. I still go to church, but I am not involved. This is because I struggled through the hardest point in my life, and it felt as though my church turned its back on me. Did Jesus? Of course not. Don’t get me wrong I have never doubted Jesus, his love, his grace, His mercy, His forgiveness. What I am having a hard time with is his people. I am one of His people, so I speak to myself as much as others. Why fake it? If you aren’t sold out for Jesus, don’t say you are. Pray and work your way back to him, that is where I am. I’m completely honest about it. I’m not where I want to be. Mostly, because I feel abandoned by those who used to love me. But they are not my focus, my focus is simply Jesus.
So throughout high school, I was constantly ending my day crying in the bathroom. My anxiety attacks took over my life, and its safe to say not many people seemed to notice. Did my tears I tried so desperately to hide not not prove to you I was hurting? Did the words you said to tear me down seem okay to you? No, obviously not. What seems to hurt the worst now is the fact that there was someone who understood. Someone who struggles with it just as badly as I did. They cried with me, hurt with me, laughed with me,(even drank with me). But what do you do when that person hurts you in a way they know will debilitate your happiness. When your friend makes a mistake, you are to love them through it. You are to sit them down and explain to them how much you love them and why you think that wasn’t their best decision. What best friends don’t do is ignore you for your descisions, even if it in no way involved them. You wonder why we don’t talk, you wonder why we don’t hang out, and you wonder why I don’t care. The truth is, I did. I cared so much. Then, after all I’ve told about my life, you decide to ignore me when I make a mistake. Then, once you were ready to be friends again, you expect me to be blessed that you’ve decided to come back into my life. No, I have to have self respect, and begin to put my foot down at that sort of treatment. You no longer have me as your best friend because you ignored my calls when I tried to figure out what was wrong, you ignored me to my face. We will not be best friends again because I have to take care of myself. I hurt myself in high school because I did not take care of my mental health. I let people push my around, and say what they wanted with no repercussions. I wish you the best in life, I also hope you begin to be aware of the people around you. From someone who you shared moments with, I hope the next person you share moments with never feel judged from you. Although you will never read this, I need to tell myself why we are no longer friends and the only way I can explain it is because I HAVE to take care of myself.